Friday, August 21, 2009

It Comes in Threes

When I woke up this morning I was focused on my plan to visit Princeton today, distracted only by the ache in my heart from missing my father and the sense of dread in anticipation of my next encounter with my brother. I got my mother into the car and went to my uncle's house to pick him up as he wanted to come along for the ride. When we got there, he informed us that my great aunt Lucy had died. My mother went right into the bedroom to see how my grandmother was doing after having just lost her sister only two months after losing her eldest son, my father. I sat in the living room with my uncle, wondering what it all means. Why did we lose three close family members inside of a year, two of them to cancer? What are we supposed to learn from this? I realize that death is inevitable, but I feel strongly that there is something to be learned, whether it's how we can take better care of ourselves or some greater message from the universe.

On the way to Princeton, I felt some relief in knowing that I was fulfilling one of my father's last dreams. From his death bed he told me that he wanted to go to Princeton, walk around, and have lunch. So that's what we did. It was the first major thing that I've done for myself since I left Columbia. Almost all of my time has been spent handling my father's affairs and caring for my mother. I had always told them that I would be here for them. And here I am. I am proud of that.

Now, though, I think it's time to start shifting some of the focus back on myself. My best friend is getting married next month, and I want to be there for that. I should be there. I want to get things settled here to some degree before I make that trip, though. I also need to get myself more firmly on the track toward grad school. There's so much to do. All I can do is take it day by day, though, and hope that more days are productive than not. Wish me luck...