Tuesday, July 14, 2009
My inner child is slowly shuffling along, staring at her feet, kicking the dirt as she walks. Her dusty cheeks are marked with trails from the tears that have been streaming down her face. She gave up screaming out for her daddy weeks ago. He never answered.
It has been a month since my father passed, and while it is getting easier, my heart is still broken. It is still so hard to comprehend that I will never talk to him again, at least not in this life. The only message I have received from him since he passed came in the form of a dream. He was standing in my mother's hospital room. He looked healthier and happier than I have ever seen him. He handed me a letter in which he told me that he loved me.
I have sent him countless messages. He is ever on my mind. Even as I turn over in my bed in the middle of the night, I think of him and tell him that I love him and miss him. Every night when I close his bedroom door I say, "I love you, Daddy".
After he passed, I felt as though I was looking for him everywhere, desperate for some communication from him. In my heart I know that he lives on within me. I already know how he would answer any question that I might ask him. He taught me every lesson that he could. His job was done.
I take comfort in knowing that he did everything that he wanted to do in this life. My focus is now on my mother, making sure that she is financially secure and that she is both mentally and physically healthy. She's doing so much better than I could have ever anticipated. I thought that if my father were to die, she would die right along with him. She's so much stronger than she used to be.
For now, my inner child will continue to shuffle along. She is still so very sad, but someday something will catch her attention. She will be drawn away from the sadness and she will play again...